They Know How to Brighten Your Day

So, it was brought to my attention that my blog posts lately have been a bit, um, depressing. Sorry! Luckily, my beautiful three-year old inspired a more positive post. We all know that kids say the darndest things and lots of what they say is pretty funny, too. Today has been chock-full of cute -ism's that I can't let go by without recording them for posterity.

This morning, after dropping off the baby at the babysitter's, Y noticed a tree that somehow still had some pathetic, dried-out leaves left on it. He remarked "The leaves came back! It's not winter anymore!" I let him enjoy his delight as I tried to keep my car from sliding on the ice and snow. :)

At bedtime, part of our routine is to read a book, cuddle a bit and then off to shluffie-land. After story-time, Y turned to me and said "You're beautiful Mommy. You're so sparkly and shiny."

This kid cracks me up.

(Was that better, R?)

Is anybody there?

I'm so sorry! When I started this blog, I fully intended to be one of those responsible bloggers who blogs daily or at least every other day. And then life got in the way.

So the last time I blogged my grandfather had just passed away after a long illness and I wasn't quite sure how to express what I was feeling in blog form. And then my husband's grandfather passed away a month later. This was also quite traumatic as it was very sudden.

And I'm trying to potty train Y. This is especially difficult because I work full time and am not quite sure how to do this! Any ideas, advice????? Please comment and share ideas because I am at a loss.

I promise I will try to be better and come up with actual interesting things to blog about...soon!

Have a happy new year all!

Where does it all go?

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately. I have been praying a lot for things in our community and my family and I've been trying to focus a lot on the way that I pray. I find that when someone tells me that they want something (health for a family member, a new job, etc) my instinct is to respond "I hope you get that/that happens for you", but lately, I've been rethinking my response.

I have heard multiple shiurim and speeches about the power of prayer, and the question that is most commonly repeated is "if what I prayed for didn't happen, was my prayer wasted? Where did my prayer go if it didn't go to what/who I intended it for". The answer I have heard is that of course, our prayers are never wasted, but since we don't know G-d's true plan, we don't know how our prayers have been channeled. Perhaps by reshaping our way of thinking about prayer, we can feel that our prayers have been applied in the most meaningful way possible, and we can learn to adjust how we pray.

So the way that I've rethought my response to people keeps this thought in mind- If someone tells me they are interviewing for a job, or something else that they really want, my new response is "I hope that everything works out in the best way possible". Adjusting our expectations to the likeliest reality seems the best way to avoid disappointment.

Tapped Out

Is it just me, or has there been way too much tragedy lately? Starting in the summer, even earlier for me (family stuff), it seems like there has been way more tragedy, death and other generally bad stuff happening around here. Too many deaths- young people, babies, people we are losing way too early. It's hard to accept these tragedies and losses, but we here are left just to wonder, process and accept.

I need some good news. Really badly.

A long time ago, in a not-so far away land...

There lived a woman. A very very pregnant woman. About 98798742583903457 months pregnant (ok, maybe exaggerating a little, but definitely overdue). And her body, while it was able to get pregnant, stay pregnant and carry a baby to term, was not getting the message that it had to expel this child from her body. (OK, it was me)


And then, I was induced. More than a week overdue and borderline low amniotic fluid the doctor said it was time, even though my body wasn't wanting to go in to later, I called my husband at work and told him that I needed to be induced, although the hospital didn't have beds available yet. And then my car wouldn't start in the parking lot of Glenbrook Hospital, far away from home. So I called AAA and they came and the tow truck driver asked me to please not go into labor in the cab of his truck. Hubby picked me up at the mechanic's and when we called the hospital to check in again, labor and delivery was still full. So we waited. We went to Dairy Star for ice cream, the video store for movies to watch during the long waiting parts of labor, and picked up chinese food for dinner.


We went home and I showered, packed my bag, and ate dinner. And waited some more. Finally, around 10 pm, we went to the hospital and checked in. The pitocin started, and continued. Progress was slow, procedures were invasive and uncomfortable- my body just wasn't getting the message. This was Tuesday night. I had contractions (pitocin-induced, mostly) all day Wednesday, and by Wednesday afternoon, I had only gotten to 3 cm, and was praying desperately for this baby to come already. Around 10 PM Wednesday night, when the (non-constructive) contractions were bad enough that I couldn't get a sentence out between them, I asked for my epidural. Once the epidural was in, I finally got some sleep.


And then, at 1 am (Thursday, now) the doctor came in, and wokeus both up, and informed me that things weren't going so well. I had developed an infection and a fever, and the baby's heart rate was dropping after each contraction- they couldn't wait any more for my body to do its job, they were going to have to do a c-section. I was really upset, but both the baby's health and my health were more important than wanting to have a vaginal birth.


At 2:30 AM, he arrived. It was September 20th, three years ago today. He spent 10 days in the NICU for some complications (B"H nothing serious or with any lasting effects), and then he came home.


It's been three long, amazing, beautiful, wonderful and challenging years. I can't believe that my baby boy is so big! He's smart, talkative, friendly and so so special.


I love you Y!! I can't wait to continue seeing you grow up and hear the funny things you'll say!

Reflections on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur

I think it's pretty normal to experience some level of stress going into Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur- especially as a parent, both with additional concerns that go along with being a parent and being responsible directly for other people, as well as concern about how much/how well you will be able to have the opportunity to daven. Being the day after Yom Kippur, I continue to think about the davening I did, and continue to hope that all of my tefillos will be answered. It was a very hard Yom Kippur for multiple reasons, including being home all day with two kids, and also the fact that this year is the first time since we got married that we actually stayed home for the chagim an didn't go to one of our parents, where there was additional support and adults around for conversation and sanity. Current stressors and issues that I'm going through (see previous posts) are also contributors to the difficulty of the day.

But I made it through- I did get some davening done, although not as much as I would have liked. I kept my sanity (whatever was left at this point) and was able to take care of my kids and meet their needs, and I was able to feel ok while fasting, which I was concerned about as well.

I think what I need to keep in perspective is that while the Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur experience is only once a year, the work is something that takes a whole year to continue, and H-shem is always open to tefillos and work on self-improvement.

And I should be working on myself the whole year as well.

Stress

This post has been rolling around in my head for about a week now, and I have just had a hard time putting it down on paper, or screen, as the case may be.

Things are really stressful right now- work is super-chaotic, between clients who have serious mental illness struggling, budget cuts making both my direct work with clients and my billing work more chaotic and stressful, and adjusting to a new schedule at home since Y has started preschool this week (yay!).

I feel like things have totally piled up, and the stress of working full time and feeling like I don't have enough time to get anything done well, or even done. Everywhere I go, I feel like there are people talking about kids of working moms and the disadvantages they face because the parents aren't around enough, or multiple stories about kids who refuse to go to the parent because they prefer the babysitter or nanny, and it just makes me want to cry!

I work really hard to make sure that I am present for my children in every way that I can and I am happy to do it- being a mom is the best part of my life! But the problem comes when everything else in my life is out of balance and I don't have anything that feels restorative for me- I decompress using TV or reading, or the computer (facebook IS a fantastic time-waster). I feel like I am at a point where I can't even identify what it would be that could better restore me, and I keep circling this place where I'm at and I can't do it for much longer!!

Any ideas of something restorative that takes no time or effort and is free or really cheap?

As a side note, Rosh Hashana is coming up this week, and I am also trying to reflect on the past year and what I want to try and work on in the new year. I hope you all have a Kesiva ve'Chasima Tova and a restorative holiday.